The Phallic Road Trip

[A note for transparency’s sake: Phil was too lazy to actually conduct this interview.]

Phil: First and foremost, according to the Facebook Event Wall, Justin “Golden Beard” Malenius is favored roughly 2 to 1. How do you respond to that, and what, perhaps, is your strategy to defeat the man-boy that is the all-consumer?

C$C: Frankly, Mr. Phil, I relish that disparity. I have no fear. Some say this is madness–well I say, this is Sparta.

Phil: Come again?

C$C: [giggles] Come. I mean, I thrive in the crunch-zone. If there is pressure, adversity, fog-on-the-motherfuckin’-horizon, I will overcome it with a springboard-like zeal, heretofore unseen.

Phil: Right… So what’s your plan?

C$C: What’s the Marines’ motto? “Outwit, Outplay, Outlast”?

Phil: That’s “Survivor.”

C$C: Right. But anyway, he’s a pussy. I know this.

Phil: You’re an idiot. You’re going to lose.

C$C: No, I’m serious, no one’s ever let me show them what I can do–well, now I can.

Phil: There you have it folks. God help us all.

Here is a little Q&A with one of the contestants, Justin “Golden Boy” Malenius, regarding his preparation for the upcoming battle.

Me: So, how does one prepare for a cheeseburger eating contest?

Golden Boy: To be honest, I have been training my whole life. Similar to a professional athlete that lives his sport from whenever he can remember, I have been eating a lot for the same duration. Every time a normal person has a plate of food and reaches that point where they think they are “full,” I recognize that like a unicorn or sasquatch, being “full” is just a figment of my imagination. This will only be another circumstance to which I get past the notion of being full.

Me: Where did you learn this eating style?

Golden Boy: I attribute all of my eating success to my family. Besides a very pale exterior adorned with baby blue eyes and golden fleece that my parents gave me, they also gave me a large appetite (and something else large too, thanks Beefsman). Ever since I was a child, I have always eaten large amounts of food. I simply followed my mother’s saying that “I was a growing boy.” Well the growing has not stopped, and neither has my consumption of large amounts of food.

Me: You are bound to get to a point in the bout to where you are in pain and will want to stop. What will you do to attempt to get past this point?

Golden Boy: I have always been a proponent of finding a happy place to get my mind out of a bad one. An example: I am having a conversation with an attractive woman that usually has the personality of egg salad and I want to pay enough attention so that she doesn’t just think I am oogling at her, while at the same time trying to save my time and my ears to avoid hearing about Juicy Couture and Paris Hilton. Knowing that me having a conversation with an attractive woman (that’s interested in me, not a friend) is a rarity in itself, I will not want to mess it up (but usually do). Similar to having a hyped cheeseburger eating contest and not wanting to look like a clown in front of my friends. Solution: pay just enough attention to stay in the conversation while analyzing the Cubs chances of winning the World Series and how great the next Batman is going to be. Unfortunately I do not have a lot of experience in either situation, but this will be my strategy nonetheless.

Me: Not really sure what that means or if that strategy even works, with women or with food. In fact, it really was just a long winded attempt to do something that was not good at all.

Golden Boy: That’s what she said.

Me: If she was with you, probably. My last question is, if you are to win this contest, what is the one thing that you will attribute your victory to?

Golden Boy: The blond beard. All of my strength is derived from the blond beard and I will be dedicating my upcoming victory to all blond men that struggle with facial hair.