[A note for transparency’s sake: Phil was too lazy to actually conduct this interview.]
Phil: First and foremost, according to the Facebook Event Wall, Justin “Golden Beard” Malenius is favored roughly 2 to 1. How do you respond to that, and what, perhaps, is your strategy to defeat the man-boy that is the all-consumer?
C$C: Frankly, Mr. Phil, I relish that disparity. I have no fear. Some say this is madness–well I say, this is Sparta.
Phil: Come again?
C$C: [giggles] Come. I mean, I thrive in the crunch-zone. If there is pressure, adversity, fog-on-the-motherfuckin’-horizon, I will overcome it with a springboard-like zeal, heretofore unseen.
Phil: Right… So what’s your plan?
C$C: What’s the Marines’ motto? “Outwit, Outplay, Outlast”?
Phil: That’s “Survivor.”
C$C: Right. But anyway, he’s a pussy. I know this.
Phil: You’re an idiot. You’re going to lose.
C$C: No, I’m serious, no one’s ever let me show them what I can do–well, now I can.
Phil: There you have it folks. God help us all.
The Phallic Road Trip 