The Phallic Road Trip

Now that we have reached the 32nd day of the trip and I have still not shaved, I can now draw some deeper conclusions on what life is like as a blond-bearded man.

While it has been a struggle, it has come with some unique benefits and disadvantages. I have summed up what life is like with blond beard in a few bullet points:

1. Opening line with the ladies. A blond beard is quite the conversation piece. It’s fairly unique (mostly cause it looks ridiculous and us blonds are not reproducing) and is something to talk about. I have talked to numerous ladies about the beard and have mixed reviews. One response, “Well I really couldn’t see it until I got close to you.” Couple approaches to that quote. Number one, as long as she is using that only in reference to my beard and not something else, not so bad. Number two, it gets the ladies to get closer to me (hello, hello).

2. Don’t get carded. I have not been carded as much inside bars or restaurants since growing the beard. Apparently people (intelligent ones) realize that a man with a blond beard must be at least 21 for it may have taken him 21 years to grow a visible one. Regardless, less pulling out (that’s what she said) of my ID.

3. Little kids don’t approach me. This is another one that goes both ways, I call it “the Phil.” One way it’s good is that I don’t have little kids come up and bother me. The other way is that I kind of look like a creepy drifter that kids could identify as “stranger danger.”

4. Shows dedication and commitment. Whether they like it or not (and most don’t) the blond beard shows that I am dedicated to something — that I can put up with constant teasing and taunting and still hang in there. I call this the “marriage material” value.

So in summary, I am going to ride my blond bearded wave until next week when I return to Chicago and show my family my beard masterpiece. Once that is done, I will ultimately re-enter normal society and shave. This experience has added to the respect I already had for the blond-bearded man.

Maybe I will give it another shot once I am older and don’t care what I look like.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 at 1:51 am and is filed under Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.