The Phallic Road Trip

Welcome to the In-N-Out Bout liveblog.  The Golden Boy (Justin) will be facing C$C (Chris, pronounced Money) in a Double-Double eating contest live here on phallicroadtrip.com.  The contest will begin at noon Pacific time (that’s 3pm for all you east coasters).  As events happen at In-N-Out, I will add text updates to this post.  Simply refresh your browser throughout the duration of the bout for all the latest updates.  Again, you MUST refresh your browser to get the updates!

(Updates are posted with the latest events appearing at the top of the list.  If you’re a latecomer to the event, scroll to the bottom and read your way up.)

FINAL UPDATE: We’re hitting the road.  After an eventful few days, we leave Santa Barbara and head to L.A.  We conducted video interviews a few minutes ago and will post them later.  Thanks again for all the support.  It made this a lot more fun for all of us… even Chris who will realize it after the pain stops.

UPDATE 1:10: It has been 30 minutes since the contest ended and C$C managed to keep the food down.  He is the undisputed champion!  Congrats and enjoy the riding in the car to L.A. for the next hour.  That’s gotta hurt.  Golden claims his strategy was to come out of the gate hard, but his gag reflex was still sensitive from the incident 2 nights ago.  Excuses excuses.

UPDATE 1:05: For those of you who are unfamiliar with In-N-Out burger, it is a chain primarily in Southern California with a loyal following.  Check Wikipedia for more info and history.  A double-double is a burger with 2 patties and 2 slices of cheese.  For this contest, the burgers were ordered “animal style” which adds “mustard fried on the meat, pickles, extra spread and grilled onions.” (Thanks for the info, Wikipedia!)  With 5 minutes left in the cool-down period, C$C is holding up… barely.  He’s leaning on the car in what appears to be pain.

UPDATE 1:00: We still have 10 minutes left to see if the food stays down.  Thanks to all the viewers today.  We appreciate the comments and the support.  It has been a record viewing day on the blog.  Golden has turned to a new strategy: try to make C$C puke in the next 10 minutes.

UPDATE 12:50: The consensus is that C$C needs to keep his food down for 30 minutes in order to claim the title.  That means 20 more minutes of waiting.  Back later with the press conference including interviews from both participants.

UPDATE 12:48: Nutrition facts for a double-double:

Calories: 670 Calories from Fat: 369

Total Fat: 41g Saturated Fat: 18g

Cholesterol: 120mg

Sodium: 1430mg

Total Carbs: 40g Dietary Fiber: 3g Sugars: 10g

Protein 37g

For C$C that makes a total of 3350 calories and 205g of fat.  Good work!

UPDATE 12:42: Stay tuned while we wait to see if C$C has a reversal of fortune.  Nutrition facts and post-bout interviews coming.

UPDATE 12:41: Guy next to us: “You guys are real men.”  The eating may be over, but we must wait to see if C$C can keep the food down.  “Hella trepidation” in the press room.

UPDATE 12:40: Game over!  C$C wins by eating his last bite as time expires.  Golden had a half left.

UPDATE 12:39: 1 minute left.  It’s all up to John Elway now.

UPDATE 12:38: Down to 2 minutes.  C$C is almost done with the fifth.  If he finishes it, Golden will need to devour his burger to force a playoff.

UPDATE 12:37: 3 minutes left.  Golden is trying to make a push.  The last 2 burgers in the tray have been given away, so it’s all down to this: the fifth burger.

UPDATE 12:36: 4 minutes left and C$C is still holding a lead over Golden.

UPDATE 12:35: Guy next to us: “Fifth double-double?! Oh, dude.” 5 minutes left.

UPDATE 12:34: Golden has picked up his fifth burger. “I’m officially starting to shake.  I’m getting the burger tremors.” 6 minutes left.

UPDATE 12:33: For those of you wondering at home, each double-double costs $2.95.  For a tray of 4 with tax: $12.71.  Calorie counts coming later.

UPDATE 12:32: Golden: “The pain has started.”  And so has the burping; I see Tums in someone’s future.  C$C is sitting pretty waiting for Golden to make his move.  The lead is still at half a burger. 8 minutes left.

UPDATE 12:30: Golden is trying to evoke the spirit of John Elway (no, he and Jimmy Buffet are not dead).  He’s going to need that and a second stomach to get back into this game.

UPDATE 12:29: Legs are starting to shake here.  The pickles are starting to get to them.  C$C has a half burger lead with 11 minutes left.  Golden needs to make a move, but he hasn’t even taken a bite out of his fifth burger.

UPDATE 12:27: Golden is about to finish his first tray (4 burgers). Golden: “I was full about a burger and a half ago.”  He still has one bite left… and it’s gone.  C$C is about halfway through the fifth, but his progress has slowed.

UPDATE 12:25: Golden admits that his strategy was a “John Elway Comeback.”  Golden: “I’ve underestimated the pickles.  The pickles are one hell of a condiment.”  C$C’s lead may be insurmountable.

UPDATE 12:23: Golden: “This is the dumbest thing we’ve ever done.”  C$C doubts that, but regardless giving yourself a stomach ache and diarrhea has to be up there.

UPDATE 12:22: C$C: “Go big or go home.”  I feel that either way this goes, both of them are getting bigger.

UPDATE 12:20: Golden is nibbling on the fourth burger. C$C: “The sauce and the pickles are really making this hard.  It’s the first thing that hits your palate, and it’s jarring.” He has resumed work though determined to regain his one burger lead on Golden.

UPDATE 12:18: C$C has definitely hit a wall.  “I can’t even look at it, man.”  He has not taken a bite in over a minute.  Golden is still working through his fourth burger closing ground gradually.

UPDATE 12:17: C$C is experiencing a self-proclaimed sodium high.  This claim has not been evaluated by the FDA.  We think it’s a case of pussyitis.

UPDATE 12:16: C$C: “The very sight of it makes me want to die.”  He’s slowing down.  This could provide an opening for Golden to get back in the game.

UPDATE 12:15: In a highly unprofessional move in competitive eating, the contestants appear to be discussing a truce.  They may stop after 6 each!  This is disgraceful in the eyes of the media.

UPDATE 12:13: We have more burgers.  C$C is back in business.  Exclusive quote from Golden: “I’m hitting the wall here.”  This does not bode well for his chances here.

UPDATE 12:12: We’re presented with a slight ordering delay.  C$C is waiting on burgers, but the order should be up soon.  Golden better work to get his fourth down before he falls too far behind.

UPDATE 12:11: Golden: “My beard is bushier than his.”  Not helping him eat the burgers though.  C$C is close to lapping him.  And he did.  C$C has four down while Golden has only three.

UPDATE 12:10: The pace has definitely slowed here.  C$C is about halfway through the fourth burger while Golden is still working to get the last part of the third down.

UPDATE 12:07: Phil awards style points to C$C for keeping the burgers more intact.  He also noticed that C$C has been taking larger bites while Golden is more of a nibbler.  We will have to see which strategy pays off in the end.  Meanwhile, we’re waiting for order #22 while #12 was just called.

UPDATE 12:05: C$C has just finished his third burger! Golden is about halfway through his.  We may run into an ordering delay if this pace keeps up.

UPDATE 12:04: Golden has finished his second burger while C$C is a little over halfway through his third.  Phil has placed the next order of 4 to be split between the pair.

UPDATE 12:03:  C$C is now taunting the Golden Boy: “It looks like you’re hitting the wall there.” Golden is still working on his second burger while C$C is well into the third.  Phil: “Just watching this is giving me the shits.”

UPDATE 12:01: C$C is teaching Golden a thing or two about eating here.  He has finished his second burger with a sizable lead.  It is still early in the competition, but Golden doesn’t want to fall too far behind.  The trash talk is beginning.

UPDATE 12:00: For those of you joining at the scheduled time, we are already 5 minutes in.  C$C won the first burger by about 30 seconds.  It still is pretty close here, and both are intently gazing at their burgers.

UPDATE 11:59: The scene is pretty quiet here.  Both seem to be focused more on eating and less on trash-talking.  These first few minutes are all about establishing a pace and building whatever lead is possible.

UPDATE 11:58: There is a lot of dripping going on here.  C$C has surged ahead in the first burger, but Golden was not far behind.  C$C is up through one.

UPDATE 11:56: Both are halfway through the first double-double.  The contest is pretty even so far.

UPDATE 11:55: The contest is underway.  Golden Boy and C$C have started on their trays of 4 double-doubles animal style.  Both are drinking water to help get the food down.  The gluttony is incredible.

UPDATE 11:51: The food has arrived sooner than expected.  The contest will start at 11:55 local time.

UPDATE 11:46: The first orders have been placed.  Each contestant is waiting for 4 double-doubles animal style.

The Golden Boy has suffered a major setback in his preparation for Friday’s bout.

Instead of using water to stretch his stomach, as is common in competitive eating, the Golden Boy opted for white wine. While providing a more enjoyable drinking experience, the wine also comes with serious risks according to the AMA. If consumed in the quantities needed for stomach stretching, alcoholic beverages can cause a reversal of fortune.

Golden Boy experienced this first hand last night as he fell to the bathroom floor in agony. Witnesses heard him groan, “I may never eat again.”

At this point, Golden Boy is recovering well and is expected to compete as scheduled.

Competitive eating analysts have speculated that this could help C$C in upsetting the favorite. C$C, however, has disputed the odds makers from the beginning stating, “I was never behind. This bitch is going down.”

[A note for transparency’s sake: Phil was too lazy to actually conduct this interview.]

Phil: First and foremost, according to the Facebook Event Wall, Justin “Golden Beard” Malenius is favored roughly 2 to 1. How do you respond to that, and what, perhaps, is your strategy to defeat the man-boy that is the all-consumer?

C$C: Frankly, Mr. Phil, I relish that disparity. I have no fear. Some say this is madness–well I say, this is Sparta.

Phil: Come again?

C$C: [giggles] Come. I mean, I thrive in the crunch-zone. If there is pressure, adversity, fog-on-the-motherfuckin’-horizon, I will overcome it with a springboard-like zeal, heretofore unseen.

Phil: Right… So what’s your plan?

C$C: What’s the Marines’ motto? “Outwit, Outplay, Outlast”?

Phil: That’s “Survivor.”

C$C: Right. But anyway, he’s a pussy. I know this.

Phil: You’re an idiot. You’re going to lose.

C$C: No, I’m serious, no one’s ever let me show them what I can do–well, now I can.

Phil: There you have it folks. God help us all.

Here is a little Q&A with one of the contestants, Justin “Golden Boy” Malenius, regarding his preparation for the upcoming battle.

Me: So, how does one prepare for a cheeseburger eating contest?

Golden Boy: To be honest, I have been training my whole life. Similar to a professional athlete that lives his sport from whenever he can remember, I have been eating a lot for the same duration. Every time a normal person has a plate of food and reaches that point where they think they are “full,” I recognize that like a unicorn or sasquatch, being “full” is just a figment of my imagination. This will only be another circumstance to which I get past the notion of being full.

Me: Where did you learn this eating style?

Golden Boy: I attribute all of my eating success to my family. Besides a very pale exterior adorned with baby blue eyes and golden fleece that my parents gave me, they also gave me a large appetite (and something else large too, thanks Beefsman). Ever since I was a child, I have always eaten large amounts of food. I simply followed my mother’s saying that “I was a growing boy.” Well the growing has not stopped, and neither has my consumption of large amounts of food.

Me: You are bound to get to a point in the bout to where you are in pain and will want to stop. What will you do to attempt to get past this point?

Golden Boy: I have always been a proponent of finding a happy place to get my mind out of a bad one. An example: I am having a conversation with an attractive woman that usually has the personality of egg salad and I want to pay enough attention so that she doesn’t just think I am oogling at her, while at the same time trying to save my time and my ears to avoid hearing about Juicy Couture and Paris Hilton. Knowing that me having a conversation with an attractive woman (that’s interested in me, not a friend) is a rarity in itself, I will not want to mess it up (but usually do). Similar to having a hyped cheeseburger eating contest and not wanting to look like a clown in front of my friends. Solution: pay just enough attention to stay in the conversation while analyzing the Cubs chances of winning the World Series and how great the next Batman is going to be. Unfortunately I do not have a lot of experience in either situation, but this will be my strategy nonetheless.

Me: Not really sure what that means or if that strategy even works, with women or with food. In fact, it really was just a long winded attempt to do something that was not good at all.

Golden Boy: That’s what she said.

Me: If she was with you, probably. My last question is, if you are to win this contest, what is the one thing that you will attribute your victory to?

Golden Boy: The blond beard. All of my strength is derived from the blond beard and I will be dedicating my upcoming victory to all blond men that struggle with facial hair.